Forgiveness, I’ve never been good at it . Maybe it’s the elephant nature in me, I never forget, but does that mean , I never forgive?
Marcus and I have patch up things, but all it takes is one non returned text message, and I find myself angry, he had said sorry, and I generally believes he means it , but deep down in my heart, I’m not sure it won’t happen again. And , no flower’s at my down step! And it was a definitely a flower worthy incident ( no he doesn’t read this , so that’s not a passive aggressive hint)
I love him, but yet again, I wonder if that’s enough, whether I love enough to forgive, I’ve said I have , but haven’t .
It’s eating me up inside , he left so badly, and all I have is his voice to go by for the next month.I have moments while I’m smoking cigarette angry that I haven’t heard from him , where I do the break up speech in my head .
Relationships are hard work sometimes, but worth it , but long distance thing is killing me , and I’m not sure how much longer I can go on being faithful .
He talks about his sarifices , of missing his mates and his country, and I totally get that . But a selfish part of me, wants to scream out about the loneliness and physical yearns I feel , that I can’t fulfill.
Stacey, every thing you have said so far , makes complete logical/emotional sense. I just don’t know if I can forgive, I agitate him, just being me , and wonder if he is just so far in love , that like me, wants to see how’s this plays out, he has time,I have ovaries!
Casual friday tomorrow, and a successful week , will be ticked off .
Yours in thursday night rambles, M
The romantic in me says stick in for the long haul, you have made a commitment and if we all bailed when things got tricky we wouldnt have the experiences that we have had. I love D and know that if i pissed off at the shit bits (and believe me there have been many times where someone else would have left) I wouldnt have the awesome memories, the love and affection that still exists today.
As much as you might annoy him just being you, i can see spots in your blog that show that he annoys you by being a male who doesnt necessarily act like you think he should.
One of the easiest options for you right now is the break up speech and you get off pretty scott free. My advice would be suck it up, you have made a commitment and just cause its a little bit tough right now doesnt mean you should throw it all away.
I too am an elephant and i know that you have made mistakes and regretted them. SO he didnt get the leaving bit right, at least he still wants to be with you. SO he said the wrong things but look at the motivations for that, he was emotional, he is torn, he wants to have his cake and eat it, but knows he cant!
I know you can forgive, you spent your last relationship forgiving him completely for everything, even though he didnt deserve it and when he didnt act the way you wanted you took on this more passive agressive role. How much energy is going into not forgiving him, when you could focus that on sending him a mixed tape, updating your blog, meeting up with friends?
I understand that your biological clock is ticking and probably getting louder, but i need to reality check here, just cause it is ticking doesnt mean you have to listen to it, plus it doesnt mean that it will work properly anyway, stop putting too much pressure to be at a certain place by a certain time. In D words, live in the grey!
Comment by Stacy — July 17, 2010 @ 11:34 pm |